I'm single and...

...not ready to mingle.

I've been single for about 2 years and 3 months. But whose counting?

The Ex just bought a house with her partner...and by partner I mean boyfriend. Guess that was destined to not work between us, huh? I can refer to her as "The Ex" because she is the only one. Well she is the only ex-girlfriend. There are a few ex-boyfriends from the years before I came bursting out of the closet singing show tunes and wearing work boots.

Anyway, I have been single for a long time. I mean there have been some scattered showers of ladies, but none that have really held my interest for more than a night. But I hated the "one-night stand" thing. I like being in a relationship. I'm a hopeless romantic. I love sharing a bed with the person I'm with. I love buying her flowers. I love taking her out on surprise dates. I love dancing with her. I love quite nights on the couch. I love kissing in the rain on a lonely, moon-lit street in Paris. Sigh, I need to stop watching chick flicks.

A quick story: I didn't go to the dentist for 2 years. When I finally went this summer I had a killer cavity. The dentist filled it with a special medicated filling and said that should hopefully kill it. She also said if it still hurts I need a root canal. It still hurts. Guess what I'm doing over Christmas break?

The reason I tell this story is that I'm afraid my single-ness is like my cavity, beyond repair unless drastic, painful measures are taken. There are little signs that pop up warning you that you have been single for too long. Here are some of the reasons I know I need a dating root-canal:

1. I have a whole playlist devoted to depressing, angry "I'll never find love again" songs. I listen to this playlist after I listen to my "love songs" playlist and realize I have no one to share "love songs" with.

2. I want a cat. Now, I addressed this issue in my "I'm NOT a lesbian" blog. But I believe the root of the issue is I'm longing for companionship and apparently my heart has given up on females and moved to felines.

3. My overall level of awkwardness has increased. The lack of a woman in my life has really turned me into a fool. I say all the wrong things at all the wrong times.

4. People have stopped asking if I'm seeing anyone. They just assume that if I ever am dating again it will be headline news in the local papers.

5. This is the biggest reason I know I have been single for too long: my bed is now indented perfectly in the middle. The lack of a partner to balance out the mattress completely ruined my bed. It is now impossible to share it with anyone because we would just end up rolling into each other in the middle of the bed...and not in a good way.

For these reasons, and countless others, I find myself terrified to be a single person ready to mingle. Also, without Poopsie, Boo Bear and The German by my side I would never know what to say, what to wear, or how to dance.

Maybe I'll just become a nun. Then I could chose a life of single-hood at 24 before it finds me at 44 still in Noho, driving my duct tape Volvo, with 5 cats I have to rush home to.