East vs. West (1)

There are many jarring differences between the eastern and western parts of the commonwealth. So, my beloved reader(s) (Hi Boo Bear!) you can be sure there will be more than one post addressing this issue. 

I grew up in eastern mass. This means a few things:

1. I think everything is 20 minutes away.
2. I use words like "bubblah" and "packie" and phrases such as "bang a u-ie"
3. I think everyone, except myself, is an awful driver.
4. I was sure the alphabet only had 25 lettahs.
5. I thought hippies stopped existing in the 60's.
6. I thought the state stopped at Worcester.

I went to college/currently reside in wester mass. This means I have learned a few things:

1. Everything is still 20 minutes away.
2. "Bubblahs" are out of fashion, now you carry water in some sort of tin can or glass jar.
3. People of western mass are the worst drivers, evah.
4. Living amongst western mass natives will force you to relearn the letters of the alphabet (but as soon as you get on the pike you seem to forget the 26th lettah all over again).
5. The hippies just moved west.
6. This state is huge!

The biggest difference between eastern and western mass however is the food. I only knew of a handful of grocery stores growing up; Stop and Shop and, for the bigger events, BJ's Wholesale club. I grew up in an Irish Catholic family. We ate chicken, broccoli, potatoes, chicken, carrots, meat loaf, chicken, and on Fridays, pizza, oh and chicken. I didn't know what tofu was until I was 22. I had never eaten peppers, asparagus, or lettuce until I was 18. And why would you shop any where other than Stop and Shop?!

Well thanks western mass for once again educating me on the ways of the hippies. Ever hear of Whole Foods? Well maybe you have, I had not. That store scared the ever living shit out of me. Aisles and aisles of nuts, berries, spices, and vitamins. Cases and cases of tofu chicken, tofu steak, tofu pork, and tofu tofu. Well thats how I imagined it any way. I was way to terrified to enter that place.

I finally went once. I was 22. My roommate tricked me into going. I broke out in cold sweats walking into the store. I was sure some sort of alarm was going to go off and hippie ninjas were going to attack me because they new I was an impostor. Well that didn't happen. But just to be safe I didn't go there again for a while.

Well now I have a boss, whom I love very much, but is a western mass hippie. She is all about organic things and loves trying to make me follow her ways. I will never eat organic peanut butter. Its just not natural! Well maybe it is? Who knows, all that having to stir the oil business creeps me out. Give me Jiffy, its what moms who care give their kids.

As part of teaching my kids community skills The Boss decided that bringing them to the buffet at Whole Foods would be a good learning experience. I panicked. I was sure I wasn't attacked the first time that I went because everyone gets a free pass and they expect that after you visit their store you will throw away all your clothes and start wearing all natural hemp clothes and drinking out of glass jars and eating tofu and change your name to Earth Shine.  I tried to convince her to go somewhere else, but it was pointless.

We went to Whole Foods. I forgot which day we were going, so I wasn't able to prepare. Caught off guard, I walked in wearing Nikes that were made in China, jeans that weren't made out of hemp, a plastic water bottle and the smell of a burger on my breath. Just to be safe I made the kids refer to me as Earth Shine though. To my surprise, still no ninjas. I breathed a sigh of relief and out of respect, got stuff from the buffet that I cannot pronounce.

I still don't do my regular grocery shopping at Whole Foods because I still get anxious walking in there. Plus, my heart is with good old Stop and Shop (and all of my savings thanks to that handy Stop and Shop car key chain!). But I cannot tell a lie...I do stop at this Whole Food place for a good buffet dinner now and then. Just don't tell the nice lady at the register my name isn't Earth Shine.